


Losing myself in the dark

by Bananacakee



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:40:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28634136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bananacakee/pseuds/Bananacakee
Summary: One day Kenma is nowhere to be seen and can't be reached on his phone. Where has Kenma gone and why has he disappeared?
Kudos: 4





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've written in a looong time, I hope you'll like it. I might update with warnings as the fic continues, so keep an eye on that if you think it's important. :)

The room smelled of pancakes. Pancakes?! I slowly opened my eyes, almost having to pry them open after a good night’s sleep. Or rather a night’s sleep. Well, at least a few hours of sleep then. To be honest, had been awake the majority of the night playing video games. I stared at the ceiling, mostly white save for some weird stains here and there. I was so tired and if I would close my eyes I would for sure fall asleep in an instant. But now there were pancakes at stake. There’s seldom someone cooking pancakes in this house and when someone does they usually disappear in just minutes. With the smell of pancakes lingering, I rose from bed, rubbed the sleep from my eyes and picked up my clothes. While putting on my shirt I stepped out of the room and past me Tanaka was sprinting through the corridor. Of course he was as eager as I was to get his hands on the pancakes. I quickened my steps just a little as I walked down to the kitchen and thought about all the toppings I could have on the pancakes. Chocolate spread was a classic, but jam though? Oh, and with whipped cream! Mmhmm, this was going to be good. As soon as I entered the kitchen I could see Suga standing in front of the stove with a pink apron on, frying the lovely pancakes. Just before he turned around he flipped the perfect pancake over. How on earth did he do that?! Every time I tried to make them myself they didn’t even remotely look like pancakes. More like a mountain of… something.

“Oh, morning, Hinata!” Suga said with his usual smile.  
“Hi”, I answered with a yawn. “Are there any pancakes ready?”  
“Yeah, they’re in the dining room on the table. The others have already started.” I nodded and continued to the dining room. Before entering I could clearly hear the chatter among the others. I stepped in and the others were already gulping down the pancakes in a hurry. Sitting at the table were Daichi, Noya and Tanaka. The only one who wasn’t present was Kageyama, probably sleeping like the dead.  
“Hinata! Pancakes! There’s chocolate spread if you want it”, Noya greeted me with.  
“Ah, pancakes with chocolate! Almost too good to be true”, I said with a dreamy look on my face. The others greeted me as well, their mouths filled with food. They all ate and talked, enjoying the food and each other’s company. Suga later joined them when he had finished the cooking. 

“So, what has everyone planned today?” Suga asked.  
“Volleyball!” Tanaka and Noya screamed in unison. Suga chuckled, “Of course.”  
“I have an essay to work on.” Daichi sighed. “It’s a lot in school right now”  
“Just ask if you need any help, I’ll gladly help!” I answered.  
“Haha, thank you for the offer, Hinata. But are you really the person to help with studying?” He smiled a bit apologetically.  
“I can hype you up!” I wiggled my eyebrows. “I, myself, thought of going to the shop to buy some cake.” I leaned back on the chair, content after having eaten a fair share of the pancakes.  
“Oh, really? Haven’t you had your share of sugar for today?” Suga lifted his right eyebrow as he looked at the chocolate spread left on my plate, a teasing smile on his lips. I just smiled big. There were probably chocolate stains on my face as well judging from how the others were snickering. After the others had eaten up I went to the bathroom to wash myself and brush my teeth. Just as I had suspected there were traces of chocolate on my face that I gently washed off. Today felt like a good day. A day that starts with pancakes couldn’t be anything but good. 

Some time afterwards I went out heading for the shop nearby. The one who worked in the shop, Ukai, was always so nice to me. I mean, once he even gave me a free chocolate bar. What a kind soul. Although when I think about it that might’ve been just to get rid of me. Either way the cakes they sell there are the best. My legs lead me to my destination having memorised the road there. I opened the door to the shop, hearing a ding from it announcing my arrival.

“Ukai!” Ukai turned and faced Hinata.  
“Oh, Hinata. Hi”, he mumbled with disinterest and returned to unpacking the boxes with packages of rice in it. He didn’t sound all too excited to see me. Well I was here yesterday… I proceeded to go to the aisle with sweets and it wasn’t disappointing. There were so many different baked goods. Muffins? Yes. Chocolate chip cookies? You know it. Chocolate cakes? Hell yeah! I went for the latter, however it was a difficult decision considering that they all looked so tasty. I’ll definitely come back here tomorrow and try their muffins. I went to the checkout where Ukai was waiting.  
“Hm, cake. How surprising”, Ukai said with a small smirk. I smiled back as I took the cake after paying and went outside. The sun was shining brightly, it was around noon. I should meet up with Kenma and share the cake with him. He sure likes chocolate as well. I texted my friend, Kenma, and asked if he wanted to meet up. Of course I got an answer just seconds after I had sent my message. That’s definitely a perk with him being on the phone at all times. 

>> Yeah, sure. Are you coming over?<< Kenma had written.  
>> Yup, will be there in 10! XD<<

***

The visit at Kenma’s had been short. We basically ate the cake and then Kuroo showed up, Kenma’s awesome roommate. He’s so skilled at volleyball which I also play, we even play the same positions. After talking a bit about the sport I took my leave. As I headed back home I suspected Kageyama would be awake by now and I was totally asking him to practice volleyball with me. He, too, is such an awesome player - the setter. The _perfect _setter might I add. We really make the best team.__

____

____

***

A week had passed since I visited Kenma last. I wondered if he would like to practice volleyball with me. I know he doesn’t like to get all sweaty and stuff but he’s really good at it. I texted him to ask if he would join me and waited patiently for his response. When he hadn’t answered within a minute I sent a new message. Now two minutes had passed, no answer. Wow, this really stretched my patience. One more minute, yet no reply. In the absence of Kenma’s response, which usually would come within a minute, maximum two, I dialed his number and waited for him to pick up. I even tried calling him twice with no luck. Maybe he was at school? No, it’s saturday… In the shop? But he always brings the phone anywhere he goes and always answers no matter what… Hmm, maybe he’s hanging out with Kuroo, as usual, and that’s why he’s not answering? Well, only one way to find out. I had to text Kuroo. 

>> Kuroo! Answer!<< A minute later I received a response.  
>> Hinata? What’s up?:/<<  
>> Is Kenma there?<<  
>> No, he went to the shop I think he said.<<  
>> Okay.. but he’s not answering my texts:(<<  
>> That’s weird. I’ll try to reach him. Hang on<< I laid down on my bed waiting for Kuroo’s response. >> He’s not answering me either, he always answers. This is really not like him. I’ll go to the shop and see if he’s there<< I scowled, starting to get concerned for my friend. Like Kuroo wrote, this isn’t like Kenma at all.  
>> Which shop? Ukai´s? Then I’ll go too”.  
>> Yeah, Ukai’s. We’ll meet there then<< I jumped out of bed and put on a warm jumper, it had started to get dark outside and with the darkness the cold also had arrived. For me it took about 15 minutes to get to the shop and Kuroo was already there. He was talking with Ukai who had a deep scowl on his face. I entered the shop, the atmosphere was chilly and unpleasant, matching the feeling in my belly. Kuroo turned as he heard the ding when I entered. His eyes were filled with fear and worry but also with something else that I couldn’t put my finger on. 

“He’s not here. He didn’t even come here.” Kuroo told me.  
“He couldn’t have gone to another shop then?” Ukai offered.  
“No, he always comes here when he’s by himself. The other shops are bigger and with more people, which he always avoids if possible. He’s been away for almost two hours now and he’s not answering any texts or calls. This is not good.” Kuroo continued. I led Kuroo to a table nearby so he could sit down. His hands were clenched and he looked uneasy, which was understandable considering the situation at hand.  
“Should we call the police?” I asked, unsure of what to do. 

Kuroo hesitated a bit before answering, “No, he’s probably just gone somewhere else. We can go look at the different spots he usually goes to begin with.” We proceeded to do just that, but with no luck. We even asked around but no one had seen the blonde haired boy. 

“I’ll try calling him again and otherwise check if he’s maybe gotten home by now.” When Kenma didn’t answer Kuroo’s call I asked if I should come with him to their home. He was quiet for a second before saying no. He headed home just as he said he would. I was worried about Kenma, but Kuroo would probably find him at their home. I went home with a heavy feeling lingering in my chest.


	2. 2

A knock on my door woke me up from my nap. I quickly looked at the clock on my bedside table, it was almost ten in the evening, before answering. “Come in”. The door opened and Daichi went into my room. He had a gloomy expression on his face and I felt the heavy feeling in my chest return.  
“Um, Hinata. “ Daichi hesitated. “Kuroo called…and Kenma hasn’t returned yet. He just called the police to report him missing considering nothing like this has ever happened before with Kenma. I just wanted you to know.”

I felt the color drain from my face. I didn’t know what to think. What could’ve happened that’d stop Kenma from returning home and answering calls and texts? For a minute I just stared at Daichi although unseeing. “What…?” I managed to croak. Daichi put a hand on my shoulder.

“Kuroo told me you’d already looked around in town and couldn’t find him. It’s dark outside so there’s no point going outside looking right now. It’s Sunday tomorrow so we’ll all go outside and continue looking for him. The police are involved now so there’s nothing to worry about. We’ll definitely find him.”

Morning came and we looked around the city the whole day. All of us were looking; me, Kageyama, Sugawara, Daichi, Tanaka, Noya and of course Kuroo. We went to every single place we could come up with that Kenma could’ve gone to. We even brought pictures of Kenma to show others to see if anyone had seen him. But with no luck, at all. Kuroo was very quiet and looked worried, naturally. He seemed to become more agitated as the time went on. We kept looking until the evening without success and no news from the police. 

Another day passed and everything felt surreal. What had happened to Kenma? We didn’t say it, but we started to lose a bit of hope. The whole scenario was so weird. 

***

Early Tuesday I was awoken by a soft tapping on my window. It was barely five in the morning. The tapping was persistent and I finally opened my eyes and went to the window. The tapping however had stopped by then. “Probably just a bird…” I muttered sleepily to myself as I rubbed my eyes. I took another look out the window and just as I turned to return to my bed I stopped in my tracks. There seemed to be a piece of paper crinkled by the window. I frowned and carefully opened the window and picked the paper up. I looked out the window, but there wasn’t anyone there. I closed the window and unwrapped the paper. Something was written on it… _“Meet me at 11.00, in the park. PLEASE, I beg - don’t tell anyone. - K.” _My eyes widened, “Kenma..?!” I breathed out. What was this? Is this really from Kenma? Why would he leave this and why shouldn’t I tell anyone? My head was filled with an abundance of questions and feelings. To say the least I couldn’t fall back to sleep and kept turning in my bed.__

____

____

In the end I decided not to tell anyone about the note. I thought I knew which park he’d meant. There was one ten minutes away from our place by foot. I told the other’s I would go to the shop so they wouldn’t be suspicious. Then again why would they be suspicious of me just going out… I looked myself in the mirror before heading out. I wore a hoodie, sunglasses and a cap… _Okay, I’m really making myself look suspicious with this _, I thought. In the end the cap and glasses stayed at home and I went outside. The walk to the park was almost unbearable. It felt like I was floating but at the same time I felt a lump in my throat. I was excited to finally meet Kenma again, I had been so worried about him, but at the same time I had a nagging feeling that something was terribly wrong. After all, why would Kenma just disappear like that? And why couldn’t I tell anyone about this meeting? To be honest, I nearly told Kageyama, but after reading the note a few times over I realized that Kenma really didn’t want me to tell anyone. So I kept my mouth shut, which was quite the feat for me as I have a tendency to blabber. Although I suspected Kageyama noticed that something was up. I did go to the bathroom a few times… After maybe the fourth time he _definitely _glared at me when I walked past. But then he just went about his day. So I should be safe after all.____

_____ _

_____ _

By now the park was within sight and I could see a man sitting on a bench close by. He had a black beanie with blonde hair protruding, almost reaching his shoulders. _Kenma. _I sprinted as soon as I laid my eyes on him. “Kenma!”. Kenma turned his head and his slanted eyes were on me. More correctly, his _eye _were on me. His left eye on the other hand was closed; swollen and colored purple. I stopped in my tracks, mouth agape. “Kenma”, I repeated, but this time it was a whisper. As I continued the walk to my dear friend, Kenma looked down on the ground, cheeks lightly pink, and I thought I had seen a shine in his eye just before he had turned his head. When I stopped in front of him all he said was “Shoyo” before a sob interrupted whatever he was going to tell me.____

_____ _

_____ _

I was in shock. I had never seen Kenma cry before. Everyone knew Kenma was very reserved and seldom showed his emotions up front. Even a small smile could sometimes be surprising to see on his face. But _this _, his face contorted in such sadness and tears falling freely down his cheeks. It was as if all of his walls had been broken down, leaving him vulnerable.__

____

____

I managed to gather my thoughts enough to ask Kenma what had happened when he had calmed himself. He took a deep breath while I moved to sit down beside him. Sighing, he continued with “It’s Kuroo…” and if I wasn’t so confused already I would’ve noticed the quiver in his voice when he mentioned their mutual friend. “Yes…” I replied, “Kuroo’s been so worried about you! He’s been looking everywhere for you”. That didn’t seem to comfort Kenma at all as he almost seemed to shrink where he sat on the bench.

“Hinata, just listen.” I closed my mouth, swallowing the rest of the words I had planned to say. Kenma had never used my last name before. Hearing him say it now I realized that something was wrong, very wrong. Just as I had felt when I had left home. Kenma took another deep breath before continuing. “I-... I ran away from _Kuroo _. It’s _him _I’m hiding from. It’s because of him that I look like... _this _” He vaguely gestured towards his bruised eye. I was holding my breath, not having a clue where Kenma was going with all of this. A defeated sigh left Kenma’s lips before he continued. “Kuroo hit me, he abused me and he… forced himself upon me…” Kenma’s voice was barely a whisper when he said that last part. His cheeks were pink again, as if embarrassed by what he had just said. When I didn’t reply, he went on. “This has been going on for… a while. I’ve been too scared to say anything. Scared that you might’ve not believed me or that he’d do something even worse to me.” Tears started to fall once more from Kenma’s eyes. “Shoyo, I don’t know what to do”, he said with a quiet and small voice. I could almost feel the cogs turning in my head, trying to make sense of all this new information. All I could think of was that this was impossible. Kuroo wouldn’t have done this. The bruise on Kenma’s eyes however told a different tale than the one in my head. Kenma would never lie about something like this. Especially not when it comes to Kuroo. But why? Why would Kuroo do something like this? I was still in disbelief. With a lack of words I carefully laid my arm around Kenma’s shoulders, waiting to see his reaction. When he leaned into the embrace rather than shy away I encircled him with my arms, trying to comfort him with my hug. I felt that no words fitted in this moment, no words that would do justice to what I felt for Kenma right now. I hope Kenma felt the unsaid implications I was trying to convey with my gentle grasp. _I’m here for you, I’ll always be here for you. I will make sure that you’ll be okay, I promise._______

_____ _

_____ _

We sat there on the bench in the park where we’d been a thousand times before. Even so, I could hardly recognize the place anymore. It felt unfamiliar as did the world. It all just felt… _wrong. _Everything was the same around us just like it was minutes before, but in the time since I had arrived at the park the world had managed to turn cold and dark, unwelcoming. Where did we go from here? How could I really help Kenma? What could _I _do? I felt incredibly helpless. “Kenma…” I started as I slowly unclasped my arms from the embrace. “I think we should tell Suga. I really don’t know what to do, but I’m sure Suga would know. He always knows what to do.” Kenma slightly shaked his head as he wiped the tears from his eyes. “Then, what do you want to do? Should we go to the police?” His eyes widened at that, looking afraid. I put my hand on his shoulder. “Listen, Kenma. You have done nothing wrong and you don’t deserve this, at all. I’m right here with you, you don’t have to be afraid. I’m with you, however I’m not good at these kinds of things. Suga on the other hand…”. Kenma bit his lip, considering his situation and the options. After a while he gave a slight nod.____

_____ _

_____ _

“I’ll call Suga now”. I pulled out my phone and clicked on Suga’s contact. I didn’t have to wait long until I heard a sweet “Hello~” on the other end. Before discussing the matter I made sure Suga was by himself and then I started to explain the situation. At some parts I carefully glanced toward Kenma, but he was purposefully avoiding my gaze. After I finished talking Suga was quiet for a while, taking into account all of the things that had been said during our conversation. He broke the silence with “Meet me at the café near the park in 30 minutes”. He waited for my approval before hanging up. I of course knew which café he meant, we used to go there all the time back in the day.

“Kenma, Suga will meet us up at the café nearby in half an hour. Why don’t we go there and have something hot to drink?” Kenma looked up with a grateful smile directed to his long-time friend. Together they walked to the café, side by side.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all doing well! :)<3
> 
> I will be changing POV (point of view) in the middle of this chapter. I've written where the POV switch before the change so you'll know. :)

As planned Suga met up with us after an hour had passed. He found me and Kenma, each with a hot chocolate in front of us, sitting in a corner of the café. Suga sat himself beside Kenma who looked up at the kind face in front of him. “Can I-” Suga started while reaching out his arms. Kenma reciprocated the gesture and Suga squeezed his arm comforting around him while saying that it’s all going to be alright. Usually Kenma wasn’t fond of physical affection, but today it seemed that he couldn’t help but be drawn towards the warmth and comfort of his friends. 

Kenma filled in Suga and I with more details of what had happened a few days ago before he had disappeared, but also some new information about his and Kuroos’ relationship. Kuroo had apparently started to get violent towards Kenma a few months ago. At first it had started off a bit playful and innocent. But after a while Kuroo’s mood had drastically changed. With that the playful pushes had turned into something more hurtful. During the same time Kuroo had been struggling at his new workplace according to what he’d told Kenma. His superiors had pushed him around due to him being younger and new at the place. Eventually he had turned to bully Kenma at home, maybe in a way to let out his frustrations. It hadn’t only been physical abuse, but also emotional and mental abuse. Kuroo knew Kenma better than anyone and had been sure to use that to push at Kenma’s weak points. It wasn’t until recently that it had escalated and Kuroo had started showing Kenma more attention than usual in a more romantic way. He had started to compliment Kenma’s looks more and had further continued with saying he wanted something more out of their relationship. 

“He was always so vague when he said that and I just played it off as him being silly. I also didn’t want to provoke him more. I felt so… vulnerable and at his mercy. I don’t know why I didn’t dare say or act before now. It just felt like we were in this bubble and I had no way of getting out.” Kenma bit his lip, lost in thought. All of this was news to me. Never had I imagined that this was what had been going on behind closed doors. I felt the guilt creep up on me. How had I been so clueless? What kind of friend am I to not realize that something this wrong had been happening?

A few minutes passed until Kenma continued and explained that Kuroo later on had proceeded to approach him more physically. No longer only hitting him, but also with his hands lingering on Kenma’s body more and more frequently. Retelling this, Kenma slightly shuddered. Kenma didn’t go into more details on that part and instead went on to tell what had happened just days before. 

“I was at home, sitting on the sofa, when Kuroo came home from work. He seemed… a lot more irritable than usual. I tried my best to just keep quiet and be out of his way. However, he walked to me and had this look in his eyes. It was like hate mixed with… lust.” Kenma turned his face towards the floor. His mouth turned slightly downward and a faint blush coloring his cheeks. “He tried to convince me to have sex with him which was nothing he ever had said before. I said no and… he didn’t listen. “Kenma’s eyes were glistening. I felt my heart breaking for him, but I also felt mad at myself. Mad for not noticing earlier that something had been wrong. “At night, after he had fallen asleep, I snuck out of the apartment. I don’t know why I decided to do that just  
then. Why didn’t I just do it before? I-... I think I still had hope for him… And that, maybe, _I _was the one blowing things out of proportion.”__

____

____

Suga took Kenma’s silence as if he was finished talking and hesitantly reached his hand out to let it rest on top of Kenma’s on the table. “Kenma, you are _not _blowing things out of proportion. You are _not _in the wrong in this. You have done nothing wrong, absolutely nothing wrong. I am sorry that you had to go through this. And I am so, so sorry that I wasn’t there for you then.“ Suga’s voice broke at the last words. Most likely feeling as useless and angry as myself, that Kenma had gone through all of this by himself. He continued with, “But I am here now and you are not alone. You are never alone. Kuroo is… out of line and he must be held accountable for this. I don’t know how you feel about this, Kenma, but we really should report him to the police.” Suga looked at Kenma with kind and warm eyes, waiting for his response. Kenma was still looking at the floor, gently nibbling at his bottom lip in thought. A few minutes passed in silence. Well, other than the sound of the café coming to life around them. More customers were popping in now that it was close to lunch time. The baristas prepared drinks with practiced ease at the counter. Groups of people were having their own conversations. Some looked happier than others. Some were laughing, some looked tired. I wondered how we were looking from the outside of our own bubble.____

_____ _

_____ _

***

Kenma’s POV

Kenma knew what the ‘right’ thing to do was. Logically, of course he knew what the next course of action should be in this case. However it felt as if he was battling himself on the inside. On the one hand he did want to report Kuroo. He was deeply hurt and affected by his actions and they were detestable. But at the same time it felt wrong to disclose this information to the authorities. This was Kuroo, his best friend, or at least he used to be. But not only that, Kenma felt ashamed of everything that had happened. He didn’t even understand how he‘d managed to tell Hinata and Sugawara in such a collected manner. In a way he’d felt as if he had been outside of his body, not really present at the moment. As if it had been someone else retelling the events. 

Kenma also couldn’t help but blame himself. He had dragged his other friends into this mess. Had he actually just blown things out of proportion and made a big deal out of nothing? If he was thinking rationally, then no. He was not the one to blame and he had not exaggerated the situation. Although the accusing voice in the back of his mind didn’t leave him, he felt encouraged by the two kind people sitting with him at the table. He was not alone in this and he was not in the wrong. Even if he didn’t believe in the latter yet his friends beliefs would be enough, at least for now.

“Okay”, Kenma carefully said, breaking the silence. “We’ll go to the police…”. Suga gently squeezed his hand, an encouraging look on his face. Kenma felt comforted by the action and squeezed back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on it'll mainly be in Kenma's POV. If I change POV I'll always write that beforehand. :) Also disclaimer, I'm not well versed in how the justice system works hehe. :P

They did go to the police and Kenma had given his testimony. He had felt like a fraud: as if he was making all of this up. As if he was just telling a story without any traces of truth in it. He hadn’t been able to look the officer in the eye during the meeting. The embarrassment he had felt had been too great and it was still lingering now, hours after the occurrence had taken place. They had taken pictures of his bruises. The only one that had been visible to Hinata and Suga had been the one on his eye. Other than that he had bruises on his thighs and arms. A constant reminder of where Kuroo’s hands had touched him. Even though they were apart from each other the bruises made Kenma feel as if Kuroo was accompanying him, always by his side. Kenma’s body felt foreign to him. As if it wasn’t his own body anymore. As if Kuroo had seized it, making it his. 

Other than taking pictures of the bruises he’d been told to go to hospital for an examination. The examination had been uncomfortable, to say the least. He had felt so vulnerable and exposed. The police had also asked him if he still had the clothes from the night it had happened. Kenma did have them. When he had sneaked out from the apartment all those days ago he hadn't dared to change clothes beforehand. He had however managed to pack clean clothes in a bag he brought with him. Afterwards when he had felt safe enough he had changed and tossed the dirty clothes in the bag. And now those clothes were in the police’s custody. 

Kenma sat on the edge of the bed in a hotel room he had rented with Hinata. The other man was out and buying food for the two of them. “What am I going to do”, Kenma whispered into the room. The hotel was a temporary solution as Kenma didn’t feel ready to face the other friends that Hinata lived with. He wasn’t in the mood for more explaining. He also worried that Kuroo would show up there. For now this hotel room would do. For now this would have to be his safe space. 

It was weird to think that in this unfamiliar room he felt more secure than he had in weeks. Before he had met up with Shoyo in the park just a day ago he’d rented another hotel room, but this was different. Because this time he wasn’t alone, Shoyo would come back and keep him company. Kenma had always admired Shoyo. He always was in such a good mood, incredibly hardworking and he also seemed to make friends with almost anybody. Not only was he good at making friends, he was a good friend. 

After Shoyo returned they ate the pizza he’d bought. He’d even surprised Kenma with an apple pie that he bought in the nearby convenience store. It was not an exaggeration to say that Kenma absolutely adored apple pies. It was one of the best things he knew, and in food way it was definitely _the best. _Kenma felt tears pricking his eyes, he felt so moved by his friend’s kindness and thoughtfulness. He wasn’t the best with words which was one of the reasons he usually kept them inside. However the gratitude he felt towards Shoyo deserved to be directed to him. So even though Kenma had a hard time getting the words out, Shoyo heard him when he whispered “Thank you, Shoyo, for everything”.__

____

____

“Of course, Kenma. I’d do anything for you. “ Shoyo gave him a hug and a smile. Slowly, Kenma felt a smile of his own taking place on his face. _When was the last time I even smiled? _He thought. The smile brought hope, but also a kind of sadness.__

____

____

***

The following morning the police had called Kenma to let him know that they’d taken Kuroo in for questioning. Kenma felt his heart stutter and it felt as if his lungs had stopped working. Somehow he’d made it through the phone call and afterwards he felt the realization kick in and with that the anxiety followed. What had he done? Where would this go? What were Kuroo thinking about all of this? Kenma had blocked Kuroo’s number after he’d run away so even if Kuroo had called or texted him Kenma was none the wiser. He felt a pair of eyes on him and met Shoyo’s concerned gaze. Just Shoyo being there helped Kenma immensely. His friend had a way to make him feel grounded and safe just with his presence. “They’ve taken Kuroo in for questioning.” Kenma said aloud. “They might arrest him, however they couldn’t give me any more information than that”. He felt his legs give in and he sat down on a chair nearby. He hunched with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Tears were threatening to escape, but he held them back. He was tired of crying, he was tired of feeling. He just wanted it all to go away. It felt as if he was head over heels. As if he just should’ve kept quiet about it all. Shoyo sat down on the chair beside him. It was quiet for a while until his friend started to talk. 

“It’s okay, Kenma. It will go well. I’m right here with you. Everyone’s on your side in this. Me, Suga, the police. I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, but I can imagine that it’s really hard for you. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make you any less. If you want to talk about how you’re feeling or just about anything, you know I’m here.” Kenma nodded, acknowledging that he _did _know that Shoyo was there for him.__

____

____

***

SIX MONTHS LATER

The whole process had taken weeks. In short, Kuroo had been arrested. Kenma had gotten a lawyer and they’d gone to court. Thanks to the evidence that had pointed to Kuroo as the perpetrator and Kenma the victim, the judge had deemed Kuroo guilty as charged. He’d gotten two years of prison. Had Kenma felt relief? Yes. But also sadness and regret. 

Every now and then Kenma would wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. Dreaming that he still was in that courtroom with Kuroo’s eyes set on him, never once did the eyes leave him just as it had been on that day. Even now Kenma didn’t understand what those eyes had been trying to tell him. His lifelong friend that he’d always understood had turned into something foreign and unreadable. It was like looking at a completely different person, someone unknown. It’s strange how you can be so close to someone one day and the next you’re worlds apart.

The bruises on his body had long since faded and disappeared. However, even now Kenma felt Kuroo’s touch lingering on him. As if he’d never be rid of it. As if he’d never be able to reclaim his own body. As if Kuroo had taken something away from him without any intention of ever returning it. 

Parts of Kenma wanted to forget Kuroo. Parts of him missed his former friend. Kenma had loved Kuroo and years of friendship didn't disappear just like that. Although it might’ve seemed like it on the surface. A small part of Kenma told him that he still loved Kuroo. That part was brushed aside as soon as it surfaced, buried deep within him. Some thoughts were too heartbreaking to leave room for. 

***

Kenma stared into the dark at the ceiling. Awoken from yet another nightmare. He was in his new apartment. He’d lived with Hinata for a few months before he’d felt enough life return to him to start managing himself again. He hadn’t wanted to return to his old apartment even though Kuroo no longer was there. At least in person. Everything about the apartment reminded him of Kuroo. Almost so most that he felt him there. That was enough to cancel the lease on the apartment and find a new one. This one was smaller, but he liked it. It was his own and it had started to feel like his new safe place. The place that previously had been with his former friend.

Kenma rose from the bed and went to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and met his own stare. His eyes looked empty, as if they were empty of a soul. He had dark circles around his eyes that had followed him for months. A sign of the restless sleep he experienced. His fingers gently traced his features, his dark circles, brushing past the right cheekbone, his small lips. He hardly recognized the man staring back at him in the reflection. He was even skinnier than before. His dark roots had grown a great deal. It made him think of how Kuroo had helped him with bleaching his hair. It felt like decades ago, as if it was in another reality. He turned his back on the mirror and went to the toilet. After that he returned to his bed and closed his eyes once more. At this moment a tiny part of him thought that he wouldn’t mind if they never opened again.

***

As the weeks passed by, more and more liveliness seeped into his soul. He started to experience joy once more. Albeit subtle, it was there. More often than not he thought that maybe he would be okay, after all. Maybe he would manage and move on and just be happy. He almost didn’t dare hope for it, but it was there. Hope. 

The emptiness of losing Kuroo was filled with Hinata and Sugawara. They were good friends, yet there were spaces deep within him that even they couldn’t fill. The times he would feel the void of those spaces he would also feel angry with himself. Why would he miss and long for someone that had hurt him so badly? Kenma was used to thinking logically. Many times things would be black and white for him, yes or no. A straightforward answer. These days though, all he could see was grey and he had never felt more lost. Even so, he walked forward. Even an unclear path would lead somewhere, right?


	5. Chapter 5

ANOTHER SIX MONTHS LATER

Kenma sat in a crowd of a lot of people. In front of him there was an ongoing volleyball game. Beside him Hinata was standing up, bouncing and cheering for one of the teams. They were local teams and Kenma didn’t know much about them. Hinata had invited him to watch the game to help get his mind off of other things. It was nice watching and seeing how the game played out. Both of them had played volleyball in high school, after all, and had been quite good at it too. Unbidden thoughts of a taller man with black, unruly hair tried to force themselves inside his head, but Kenma absently pushed them back with practiced ease. He hardly noticed the thoughts anymore. At least not if he was distracted enough.

In the end the team Hinata had been cheering on lost. Hinata seemed devastated by this as a pout was clear on his face, dragging his features down. However it quickly disappeared when he began discussing the different plays of the game with Kenma. It was visible in Hinata’s eyes how passionate he was about the sport. It wasn’t surprising that he’d chosen to continue playing volleyball in college. 

Kenma had always loved watching Hinata play. The way he played was so refreshing to watch and had many times inspired Kenma to work even harder back when he still played the sport. Kenma was absorbed in the discussion, watching Hinata’s big gestures as he fervently tried to replay some of the moves that he’d seen in the game. He was so engrossed in it that he didn’t even notice the man walking in front of him until they collided into each other. Kenma felt his foothold loosen as he started to fall, only to be caught in long and strong arms. He looked up and stared into worried, green eyes. 

“I am so, so sorry! I really didn’t see you. It’s all my fault, so sorry!” The other man blabbered on as he helped Kenma regain his footing. Kenma felt a bit of irritation creeping up, but he calmly pushed it aside. He was as much in fault as the other man had been.

“No, it’s okay. I wasn’t looking in front of me, so it’s my fault as well.” Kenma managed an awkward, small smile in an attempt to reassure the other man. The other man looked sheepish as he answered with a big smile of his own, rubbing the back of his head in slight embarrassment. He was very tall. Kenma couldn’t help but notice this as he had to crane his neck to look him in the face. He had silver hair and Kenma absently wondered if maybe he was from abroad. Although his perfect Japanese said otherwise. Kenma started to turn toward Hinata but stopped when the taller man reached out a hand. Kenma stared at it dumbfoundedly for a second before realizing and then clasping it with his own smaller hand. 

“I’m Lev.” The silver-haired man smiled even bigger than before. Kenma hesitated a bit before replying with his own name. “Nice meeting you, Kenma! See you around!” The man, Lev, released his hand and walked away, waving goodbye to Kenma. Kenma furrowed his brows a little bit in confusion. Why would he ever see the other man around again? Kenma dismissed it as just a pleasant goodbye phrase and started walking with Hinata again. 

“Did you see how tall he was?” Hinata looked at Kenma with big eyes. “He would be great at playing volleyball, I bet. Maybe he already plays.” Hinata’s eyes shone in excitement. There was no envy or despair visible on his face, only happiness. Years ago, Hinata would’ve probably seemed more dejected and jealous at meeting someone so much taller than himself. Being constantly reminded of his own short height when it came to playing the sport he loved. These days, however, Hinata had instead embraced it and fully made it a weapon he could use. He had finally found a way to fight on his own. That was just one of many things Kenma admired about his dear friend. Kenma felt a small smile grow on his face as his friend continued the previous conversation about the volleyball game they had watched. 

***

Kenma laid on his side on the bed, eyes closed, when he felt the covers faintly rustle on top of him. He felt fingers brushing his back, then his arm. Kenma’s eyes flew open and he quickly sat up on the bed. Frantically he looked around him, trying to see in the complete darkness he was in. After a short moment, when his eyes finally had adjusted, he could see a figure on the other side of the bed, watching him. Kenma felt paralyzed. He felt as though his heart had stopped and he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t dare move a muscle. The figure began taking a more and more familiar form as the seconds passed. A tall, lanky man with spiky, black hair. “Kuroo”, Kenma choked out. Kuroo moved closer to Kenma, reaching out a hand. At that Kenma’s body moved as if on its own, quickly backing away from the man on the other side of the bed. His heart seemed to have started to beat again. It beat fast, almost as if it were trying to escape his own chest. The panic Kenma felt was overwhelming and he didn’t even notice that he’d reached the edge of the bed until he was already falling backwards onto the floor. 

As his back hit the floor with a thud Kenma opened his eyes with a gasp. He felt disoriented for a second, looking around him. He was laying on the floor, the covers tangled around his body. _A dream. It had just been a dream. _A sliver of sunlight had managed to escape the cover of the curtain, slightly illuminating the room and ridding it of the darkness. A deep sigh left Kenma’s lips as he sat up, resting his head in his hand. His heart was pounding and he couldn’t seem to calm it down. He tried to repeat comforting words to himself, but nothing seemed to be able to remove the lump in his throat. Kuroo is not here. Kuroo is locked up and he can’t get to me. Kuroo is not here and he can’t hurt me. I’m safe. When Kenma finally raised his head his hands were damp as were his cheeks. Another sigh escaped him. He quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and rose up to start his day. That day Kenma buried himself in work to distract his mind. At the end of the day when he came home from his job it was late and he fell asleep almost instantly. Although on the couch this time and not on the comfortable bed in the other room.__

__

__

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_____ _

*** 

SUGAWARA’S POV

Sugawara sat at the kitchen table with his head in his hands when he felt a hand rest on his shoulder. “Suga.” He looked up and met Daichi’s concerned gaze. Sugawara gave him a small smile as Daichi moved to sit in the chair opposite of him. 

Daichi was quiet, waiting for Sugawara to speak his mind. Sugawara sighed deeply. “I can’t stop worrying about Kenma. I know it’s been quite some time since everything happened and he keeps telling me that he’s fine, but… But, I know he’s not. Everytime we talk or meet up, he’s just different. Which I guess is to be expected. But he just seems so...empty.” 

Daichi was quiet for a while, contemplating Sugawara’s words. “I think I understand what you mean, Suga.” Daichi replied. “I’ve noticed a difference too and I don’t even know Kenma as well as you do. I know you’re worried, but you can’t forget to take care of yourself as well, okay?” Daichi’s eyes were kind as he looked at Sugawara, they always were. 

“I know, I know. I just feel like I’m not doing enough. I don’t even know what I _can _do for him.” Sugawara had pondered over this many times. Every time he felt just as helpless and clueless, not knowing what to do.__

____

____

“I’m sure Kenma knows that you care for him and that you’d do anything for him. Trust in him to ask for help if he needs it. He did last time, right?” Sugawara nodded slowly. Even if Kenma hadn’t reached out directly to Sugawara all those months ago he had told Hinata. Kenma and Sugawara had become even closer than before and he wanted to believe that Kenma now felt comfortable to ask Sugawara for help, should he need it. 

“Just keep checking on him as you have done before. I don’t think there’s much else you can do for him right now.” Sugawara knew this, but the worry stayed with him nevertheless. 

“Thank you, Daichi.“ He knew Daichi was right. Daichi always seemed to know the right things to say to calm Sugawara’s mind, even if it were for just a short while. Sugawara groaned and continued with, “I really should do some studying though. I have _quite _a few exams and assignments to work on…”__

____

____

“Don’t remind me. I just took a break from it. Can’t wait until I’m finished with it all.” Daichi rubbed at his face tiredly. “By the way, Hinata asked me for some help with an English assignment. However, I told him to ask you instead. You know, as you’re so much better at it than me.” He winked at Sugawara and laughed.

“You are just lazy, Daichi Sawamura.” Sugawara laughed back. Admittedly he _was _better at English than Daichi. He made a mental note to check up on Hinata later to see what the assignment was about. Though that had to wait as Sugawara’s stomach just at that moment decided to growl loudly in hunger. “How about we buy some pizza first? I’m starving.” Daichi couldn’t look happier about the suggestion which just made Sugawara smile bigger. Definitely not for the first time, Sugawara thought of how thankful he was to have Daichi in his life. He really had been lucky with the friends he had acquired in his life.__


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeey, it's already March guys?! :o <3

KENMA’S POV

The days passed and Kenma started to sleep in his bed once more. His new apartment that had become his haven now felt haunted by ghosts of the past. The progress he felt he’d done the past year felt lost to him. As if he’d fallen right back to square one. More and more he stayed in bed even after the sun had long left the horizon and taken its place up on the sky. The bed cover imprisoning him and protecting him at the same time. His limbs felt as if they were shackled with weights each morning he woke. On workdays he thankfully managed to drag himself out to get to his job. He needed the job and the money that came with it, after all. How else was he supposed to survive?

Other days, however, the curtains remained closed leaving him in the dark by himself in the small apartment. Locked away from the world. This day was one of those days. Only that the dark suddenly got illuminated by his phone screen, signaling that he’d gotten a notification. Kenma considered turning his back to ignore the phone, but curiosity won. He picked up the phone from the bedside table and unlocked it to see what the notification was about. He felt a small flutter in his heart when he saw that it was Hinata who had texted him. Hinata managed to bring sunshine even to this dark hole and Kenma felt just a bit lighter than before. 

>>Hi Kenma!! Do you want to meet up in a few hours? :D It’s been so long since we met up! :( Maybe we can meet outside of my school after classes has ended?<< Kema stared at the screen, contemplating whether he would try to come up with an excuse to not meet up or if he would accept the invite. It’s not that he didn’t want to meet up with Hinata. More that he didn’t have the energy to go outside and exist outside of his own bubble at home. In the end he decided to accept. He felt a tinge of guilt that he hadn’t reached out to Hinata sooner and would’ve felt worse if he’d declined or lied to him. Kenma knew that Hinata would understand if he would’ve turned down the offer to meet up and explained the truth of why that was. However Kenma didn’t want Hinata to worry about him so he decided against that. Instead he replied to Hinata’s text writing that they’d meet up outside of his school just as he’d suggested. Hinata answered just seconds afterwards with the time his classes ended. 

***

Somehow Kenma got dressed, went out of the apartment and started walking towards Hinata’s school. The wind and fresh air felt invigorating. It reminded him that even though he holed up in the dark of his room, the outside world continued and lived on. The walk felt peaceful and before he knew it he had arrived at his destination. He was a bit early and decided to sit down at a bench nearby the entrance so that Hinata would be able to see him when he came out. Kenma picked up his phone and started scrolling different websites to distract himself from all the people around him. 

“Hi there!” Kenma froze at the unfamiliar voice and looked up, meeting green eyes in a kind face. “I’m Lev, remember? We met, or rather crashed into each other some time ago.” Lev chuckled. Kenma definitely recognized him. How could he forget those distinctive features? Kenma nodded slightly in acknowledgment. “Oh it was Kenma, right?” Kenma nodded once more, not knowing what to say. “I knew it! I’m actually _quite _good at names if I may say so myself.” Lev grinned big before continuing. “Are you waiting for Hinata?” Kenma’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. How did he know Shoyo? And why was he even here of all places?  
“Um, yeah I’m waiting for Shoyo. Do you know him?” Kenma asked hesitantly. __

__“I’m in the same class as him. Actually I transferred to this school not that long ago. Just a few weeks ago.” Lev moved to sit beside Kenma on the bench and he scooted over a bit to the side to leave more room for the taller man._ _

__“Oh, I see.” Kenma replied in understanding. “Was that why you said we’d see each other around last time?” He added in afterthought. Lev looked a bit confused before recollecting their last meeting._ _

__“Ahh, kinda! Actually, I thought you went to this school as well and assumed that you and Hinata were classmates or something. I recognized Hinata from a volleyball game I had watched some months ago so I knew he went to this school. But you don’t…” He said the last part as if it was a question. Kenma didn’t really like to talk about himself with strangers, but he decided that it would just end up too awkward if he didn’t say anything at all._ _

__“No, I don’t. I don’t go to school. I’m working at an office, kind of.” Kenma tried to be as vague as possible not wanting to reveal too much about himself to someone he just met._ _

__“Okay, cool!” Luckily Lev didn’t pry any more than that. Or rather he didn’t get the chance to as they both spotted Hinata coming out from the school building. “Hinata!” Lev waved enthusiastically, smiling big. Hinata caught sight of them and started jogging towards them._ _

__“Kenma, Lev, Hi! Wait… you know each other?” Hinata’s question got cleared up by an explanation from Lev. “Ahh, I kinda forgot about that time. Guess I was thinking about volleyball too much back then.” Hinata laughed a little and then turned to Kenma. “Did you wait long?” Kenma shook his head no with a smile. “Should we go then? Lev, do you want to come with?” To Kenma’s relief Lev declined Hinata’s offer as he needed to study. It’s not that he disliked Lev, more so that he just wanted to be with Hinata whom he felt comfortable with. They parted ways with Lev and Kenma started to walk with Hinata toward a café they usually went to._ _

__“So, how are you, Kenma?” Hinata looked to his right where Kenma was.  
“I’m good”. Kenma said a bit tentatively. It obviously wasn’t the truth, but he really didn’t want to talk about it. Hinata nodded a bit, mouth turned downwards in a frown. The rest of the walk continued in silence until they reached the café. They got some cake and drinks and sat down at a table far into the café. _ _

__“Kenma, I of course understand if you don’t want to talk about it. But, sometimes it’s good to talk about the hard things. And, I don’t want you to suffer in silence.” Hinata didn’t look at Kenma. Instead he busied himself with blending his coffee latte with a spoon. Kenma suspected it was his friend’s way of giving him some space. All Kenma wanted to do was to bury his feelings, bury the memories and pretend they didn’t exist. But part of him also wanted to confide in his friend and pour his heart out._ _

__“I don’t know Shoyo… I…” Many times in his life Kenma had felt that him and words didn’t go well together. How did he put word to all the chaos inside of him? How did he explain in a way others would understand? “I’m not… okay. I thought I was getting better, but lately it’s like nothing’s changed in this whole year.” Kenma swallowed and blinked a few times, forcing the tears back. “You know, I actually dreamt about him. Kuroo.” He uttered the name as a whisper. Almost as if Kuroo would be able to hear him if he talked too loud. Hinata waited patiently on Kenma, giving him time to talk and not interrupting. “It reminded me of… what happened that night I ran away from home. A year has passed, but it’s still so fresh in my memory. Also…” Kenma paused, feeling the fear bloom in his chest. “It’s only a year left of his sentence. I, I don’t know what I’ll do then.” He sighed in dejection and sagged in the chair._ _

__“He won’t be able to lay a finger on you, Kenma. You have me and Suga, and everyone else. You’re not alone and we’ll be right by your side. We can fix a restraining order. He won’t get close to you.” Hinata looked at him protectively and Kenma felt safe in his presence._ _

__“Yeah, you’re right, I guess. Thank you.” Kenma replied with a small voice. Logically, he knew he wouldn’t be alone and he refused to give into the fear inside of him. Even though it was still present, he fought back at the intrusive thoughts that crowded his mind. He had gotten this far and even though he hadn’t reached the horizon yet, he was determined to get there one day. One day there would be light, even for him._ _


End file.
